Let Loose the Dogs of War

Fifi on Assignment: Fetching the News home:

When will it all end? Why must this senseless brutality continue? On behalf of dogs everywhere I demand that humans desist from photo-chopping dogs into depictions of such political turmoil. We're DOGS, we don't care about your human wars. Spend more time making quality dog food and less time yammering about unimportant stuff. There is a wide world to PLAY in!
Take a tip from the Feef and just go for a walk with your dog today. The world will be a happier place for your trouble!

Turbo the Terrible

Well it was a frightful thing when we pulled up to the Blue House. I quivered in dread as I realized where we were. I could see several small, furry faces stuffed against chain link. Puppies! What on earth is she thinking? She see's lots of puppies at work, why does she bring ME someplace like THIS after work? I leaped into my Fifi-cave and hid while she got out of the truck and walked over to the other humans who came out to greet her.
When I dared to peek again, there sat my human, out in the middle of the grass, surrounded by a batch of fat, fluffy puppies. What a traitor! She could have been home by now, petting ME! I watched this debacle for a few minutes. There was one puppy that kept coming back over to her, a wolfy-sable ball of fuzz. The little rapscallion wouldn't leave her alone. The rest of them were ignoring her, but this cur was acting CUTE for MY mom! That's MY job! She was smiling, and petting him, and enticing him to play with her. Just thinking about it makes me cringe to this day. Who did he think he was, pulling that act in front of me! I barked at him through the glass but both of them were ignoring me. Back to the Fifi-cave!
Next thing I knew, she was climbing back in the truck, so I jumped over to her lap only to find the Usurper already there. I was shocked, and retreated quickly back to the Fifi-cave. He rode in her lap all the way home, on MY blanket. Of course he barfed on the ride home, the little cretin, all over my pretty, lime green fuzzy blanket.
The first few weeks were hell. He was such a baby! Mom fussed over him and coo'ed over him until I thought I'd be ill. The Big Dogs, Fuzzy & Duke, who I hoped would eat the newcomer, actually LIKED the little turd. Me, I snarled and snapped at him if he even dared to come near me. They might all be tasteless slobs but I am a princess, and must be above such slovenly choice in friends.
Before too long, he grew. And GREW. He wouldn't leave me alone. His obsession became my hell. I couldn't prance from one place to another without him attacking me. His fly-by's were quite annoying so I waited out by the pond for him to try it one more time. When he took the bait, I charged him! He was so surprised, he jumped right, and landed right in the pond! He got soaking wet, and dragged himself out of the pond. I strutted over to mom proudly, only to be bowled over; shoulder-checked by a very wet, very determined Turbo.
He kept trying to get my attention by doing stupid, boy things. He brought me a grasshopper that he caught one time. A grasshopper! EW! When I growled and showed him what I thought of that, he looked at me like I was the nutty one, and simply began crunching down on that stupid bug! I shudder to think of it. Ugh! I made for the Fifi-cave and hid out.
Recently though, he's gone through some changes. He's bigger than me now, all shoulders, chest, and a very handsome face! I really don't mind playing with him much now. He's kind of fun. We chase, and wrestle, and play tug-the-toy together. And handsome! Did I tell you how handsome he is now? I was chasing him the other day, and when I caught him I would grab his tail and pull as hard as I could. He couldn't get ME! Lets see how HE likes being attacked by ME!
He's a lot easier to get along with now and I hate to say it but I really like him! Did I say how handsome he is now? He still does stupid boy things, but since it appears he's here to stay, I am learning how to deal with it as a good princess should!

I Just Report The News. I Don't Make It Up!

Fifi is On Assignment to find the News dogs need to know!

Wild Dog Pack Attacks Gator In Florida

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "ape x predator", can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the pack mentality" bred into the canines.

See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.

Not for the squeamish!

Feef and Ichiro

Almost forgot about this one! What's a trip to Seattle without checking out Mariners turf? I'm sure Ichiro would be thrilled to know he has his image immortalized with me, the Feef!

A Stickery Situation

My human is positively anal about her stupid gates and fences. She locks me in the bedroom when she leaves. It is very frustrating. The only part of her house I consider far enough away from my princess bed to do my doggy business is the computer room. Even when I give her that much consideration, she insists that doggy business is to be conducted OUTSIDE. I get locked up. I can't go searching for treasure in the treasure bin (ie: trash can), I can't get in the laundry room and tip over the stinky white stuff (ie: laundry soap) and I can't get into the waterbowl room to drink out of the big porcelain bowl (ie: toilet). Besides, that's where she keeps Turbo the Terror in lockdown. Apparently she doesn't feel he has enough house manners to deserve any further area to roam in when home alone. I have to agree. I think he should be kept in a locked box myself.
As if that's not enough, she feels compelled to control our outside behavior too. She's got Fuzzy and Duke completely bamboozled with her tall fences, but not me. If she dares to go out that gate with me outside, I KNOW how to get out and follow her. Next thing I know, I'm locked in the bedroom, she's yappin' about coyotes and owls and eagles... whatever that means.
Now I am six pounds of rough tough cream puff, that is six pounds of muscle I might add. I can take care of myself! Why does she feel the need to contain us so strictly? Is she afraid we might escape and find someplace better? That we might have too much fun? That her regimented lifestyle might be disrupted?

Feef's Human Speaks:
Contrary to what Fifi thinks, I do it for her protection. I live out in the woods and yes there are eagles, owls, coyotes, cougars, feral dogs, cats, skunks, porcupines, etc. Luckily I don't have to worry about traffic, beings as we live on a dead-end road far from town.
"But they are dogs, dogs roam! Dogs should be allowed to run free, it is in their nature to do so!" I have heard that excuse before and I am the first to shoot it down. Yes, dogs roam if given the opportunity. If people weren't so lazy in general they would realize that the dog would enjoy roaming much more if his owner was along to share the world with! Oh, but "my dog pulls too hard"... or "I am soooo tired when I get home from work, I don't have the energy to go for a walk." With adequate attention and a little bit of diligent training, your dog will no longer pull (as a PetSmart pet training instructor, I KNOW this can be accomplished). If you are dog-tired, go for a walk. The fresh air will do you good and the excersize will give you energy, not deplete it. Try going for a walk in the morning, like the dog whisperer guy suggests. I agree with him on that one, the morning walk sets the mood for your dogs whole day and wouldn't be a bad way to start your day either!
This is the one that kills me. "I let him out to run as he likes at night but keep him in during the day". The theory here seems to be "at night he can't be seen, ergo he won't get in trouble." I guess at night there are less dangers to the dog, or less chance neighbors will see him getting in trouble. More likely the owner is just a lazy fool who wants to think nothing is going on. Probably takes the dogs collar off so if he is caught by animal control, or causing mayhem somewhere he cannot be identified.
Suppose your dog didn't come home after a nights romp. Lets see if I can think of a few things that might happen and the possible results.

1. Hit by car. Possibly killed, meybe just maimed. Burial, or a trip to the vet. Possible lawsuit from car owner if damage is done to their car.
   
2. Shot. With a gun? Yes. I live way out in the country and people still shoot roaming dogs around here. The three S's rule is still the standby. Shoot - Shovel - Shutup. He might make it home, he might die on the spot. If you find his body, burial. If he drags himself home, a trip to the vet.
3. Skunked. Pew! No harm to the dog but oh my gawd the stink can linger for months! If you have a few gallons of tomato juice on hand, or if you can get him to a groomer soon enough you might get some of the smell out.
   
4. Stolen. You never see your dog again. You always wonder what happened.
   
5. Become prey. Whether attacked by another dog (or pack of), coyote (or pack of), cougar, bear, owl, hawk, eagle, or whatever, your dog could become something else's dinner.
6. Infested: ear mites, ticks, fleas, worms, ringworm, etc. Allowed to roam at large Rex can bring any number of "little friends" home with him.
7. Porcupined: And now we come to the reason I felt compelled to call Feef to the carpet on her imprisoned pup rant. I received an e-mail today with pictures of this particular pup who met a porcupine. He did NOT get this way in his own yard, he did not get this way at the end of his owners leash, he got this way because he was allowed to roam at large, alone.
   

I have had to remove quills from a dog or two, it is unpleasant for the dog and it is unpleasant for the person manning the pliars. Before you let your dog out again with no boundaries, please view the plight of this pathetic pit bull and reconsider:
This dog had over a thousand quills in him. He wasn't about to give up, was he? I have no idea whether the porcupine survived or not.
Even if the Feef never understands why I contain her I hope you will, and please, keep your pets safe!!

Feefisms - Not Original, But Still Cute

• Work when you must, play when you can, take care of your own, and leave your mark!
• If you think you're so powerful, try telling someone else's dog what to do!
• Handle every situation like a dog - if you can't eat it or screw it, piss on it and walk away!
• If you want the best seat in our house, move a dog.
• If you ever wondered what soap tastes like, give the dog a bath.
• If your dog is too fat, you are not getting enough excersize!
  

The Purina Diet

*The Feef Disclaimer* I do NOT condone the purchasing of dog food at Wal-Mart. They don't carry Royal Canin, which is my preferred diet.

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.

I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.............

I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door,
he laughed so hard.

A Tricky Terrier

I'm the cutest dog in the world and I'm not about to indenture myself to the slavish ways of this brown-noser terrier. If you want tricks, he's your dog. I hear the tinkle of kibble on crystal so excuse me if I don't stay around and possibly be expected to perform in like fashion.
http://www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html

Feefless In Seattle

No Way! When I saw my human getting ready to go I mustered up all my cuteness and pranced underfoot mercilessly until she noticed me. I had my pink maribou tail extensions in and looked pretty impressive.
"Blah-blah-blabity" she said to her friends. "Yakity-yakka-yakka." They responded. "Feef, you wanna go?" was the part I got! I immediately darted into the fifi-cave. Before you know it, we were on our way! More importantly, Turbo the Terror had to stay home! Stay! I laughed and laughed!
It was a long way, too! Now I like a ride in the car as much as the next dog and today we rode in style. Although it is the dog-days of summer, the car was blessedly cool and breezy without the windows open. For once, I could ride in cool comfort and not get my hair mussed in that devilish wind-tunnel my human usually transports herself in.

Seattle was amazing! Everywhere I went, people were making that curious vocalization they are so inclined to do in my presence " Ohhhhhhhh, how cuuuuuute!" I pranced with greater intensity every time I heard it. When we got to the Space Needle, the guard said "NO DOGS". My human wasn't deterred though. When she explained to him that I was the cutest dog in the universe and simply had to see Seattle from the top of the Space Needle, he relented, muttering something about "probably lose my job over this". A baby blanket was unceremoniously draped over the fifi-cave and up we went into the elevator. That was kind of scary because I couldn't see much but I guess when you're as cute as me, you have to be careful who see's you places like that.

We had quite a day - I was the hit of Pike Street, and no seagull was safe down on the waterfront. But all good things have to end, and late that night we got home and I had to put up with that slobbering little slacker Turbo and his incessant attempts at my attention. One of these days I'm going to tell you exactly how I feel about him...